Grit, Gratitude, and Generosity: One Member’s Journey Through Grief and Resilience.
This month at LARSO, we’re exploring Pillar 1 of our 5 Pillars of Positive Living: Positive Mindset and Emotional Resilience. This week we turn our focus to one member’s journey with resilience through grief and loss. At Golden Willow Retreat Center in Taos–through which I was a grief group facilitator–loss is defined as the shifting, cracking, or shattering of our sense of reality. Grief however, is the natural healing process of the psyche in response to loss. The question becomes: how do we engage in that healing?
Through my work, I’ve come to understand the importance of conscious grieving–actively participating in our grief with awareness, compassion, and a willingness to embrace all that it brings.
When I was asked to write about a member’s journey through grief and resilience, my friend Vivien immediately came to mind. I first met Vivien through a grief support group I was facilitating (she gave me her permission to share). Vivien’s insight at grief group amazed me. Having lost her husband of 31 years a short time ago, she was navigating one of life’s most profound transitions–learning to live in a world reshaped by loss.
What Vivien consistently showed was a radical resilience in the face of loss. Her ability to articulate her experience with perspective and grace had a clear and consistent influence on the group–one member even described her as “the glue that held us together.”
After speaking with her more deeply, three defining qualities emerged: grit, gratitude, and generosity.
When asked about how she developed the strength and adaptability to navigate life’s challenges, Vivien says that so many of her resources stem from her mother’s strong faith and wisdom. Having fled communist China when Vivien was just 4 years old, her family immigrated to Hong Kong after being blacklisted for their status as progressive and educated landowners. Growing up they had little, but Vivien’s mother would still entertain guests, telling her children that if everyone had one less bite, they could provide a meal for an honored guest.
Vivien’s parents were hard working and forward thinking–always encouraging education and pursuit of higher learning. Viven did just that, coming to the US for graduate school and completing a PhD in cancer epidemiology. She says that coming to the US was like a different world. Even during times of uncertainty, her mother’s wisdom remained a guiding force: “God’s part you cannot do, and your part god will not do. I’m just praying that you have the wisdom to know the difference.” Balancing faith with personal responsibility keeps Vivien grounded–side by side with the knowledge that she has to do her part too.
Equally central to her resilience is her practice of gratitude. “Each day is a new beginning,” she says. By greeting the sunrise with thankfulness and recognizing the preciousness of each day, she actively cultivates a positive mindset. She also draws inspiration from fellow members at the center–noticing the resilience of others who may have certain limitations–mobility issues, personal loss, and life transition, yet still living life to the fullest by focusing on the good.
Research supports what Vivien embodies: cultivating gratitude can strengthen our ability to cope with grief and loss, reinforcing emotional resilience over time. Read more here: https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s41042-023-00126-1article
From gratitude flows another defining trait–generosity. After her husband Richard’s passing, she realized that everyone was living with some kind of grief or sorrow. It increased a sensitivity to others that she didn’t have before. “It’s okay to want to be alone and grieve, but when the time is right we must reach out. If you see someone in need, take that extra step, look out for your neighbors. It’s up to us to reach out to those who may be more isolated.” Another life lesson from her mother, Viven sees goodness like a channel that is meant to flow through us. If you don’t keep giving, the well dries up. And it’s deeply fulfilling, she says,“In the process of helping others, I am helping myself.”
In the journey of conscious grieving, Vivien takes an active role, walking side by side with her grief as a visitor that shows up at her door, sometimes for short and intense visit, and other times lingering. Conscious grieving means welcoming the visitor- entertaining it even, as the poet Rumi once said. But our work is having the wisdom to know when it’s time to close the door until they return again. “It’s okay to feel sad and to stay there for some time. And it’s okay to say no when others need help and you are grieving. Someone may ask to borrow your crutch but it’s okay to say no because you need it right now.”
“Sometimes you find yourself at the bottom of the canyon and think, well, it’s nice and cool down here and I don’t want to get out. But at some point you have to–the time will come to take the first step. And that it’s okay to be sad again. Maybe set a time for yourself- I’m going to cry for x amount of time then I’m going to get up,” says Viven.
But how do you know when it’s time to climb out of the canyon? I asked. Vivien says that some momentary awareness comes to visit, and you realize, “I made it out!” She makes a beautiful comparison: that loss is like the weave of a beautiful tapestry. If you look too closely at one thread, it won’t make sense, but step back and see the big picture, you can appreciate something profound.
Vivien takes it one day at a time. "No man ever sank under the burden of the day. It is when tomorrow’s burden is added to the burden of today that the weight is more than a man can bear,” Vivien quotes George McDonald. One step at a time, we walk with grief side by side. Trust yourself and the process. Though the bottom of the canyon may be nice and cool, you will surface. To paraphrase a quote by Author Jay Shetty, grief is like a heavy stone you carry, and though it never gets lighter, you become stronger to carry it with more ease. Thank you Viven, for sharing your story and inspiring us to live a life with grit, gratitude, and generosity. Check back here next week where we’ll explore another member’s journey with emotional resilience.
Leah Blackwell, Programming and Marketing Coordinator at LARSO
As a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization, LARSO is driven by impact rather than profit. Our goal is to improve outcomes and generate positive, lasting change for older adults throughout Los Alamos County.